Pussy Rant

2022 seems to be the second year of a new relationship. 

You’re either going to make it or break it. 

2021 was the beautiful honeymoon stage of beauty and life

the rose colored glasses suddenly were wiped clean and the true nature of what hides beneath makes its way to the surface. 

I found myself being in love with someone who no longer wants to be with me.

 I lost a best friend without explanation besides just dropping me. 

Instagram and Snapchat constantly remind of memories that I wish I could just delete because the heartbreak…

 is.. just…unbearable. 

The rhythm of words that I once found solace in completely stopped 

because the pain made my mind and my spirit completely numb. 

Angry outbursts find me at my most vulnerable times 

Yet the ones I would go to

I can no longer confide. 

i find myself holding back from flourishing new connections because I’ve been let down so many times. 

The comical thing of it all is everyone thinks i’m doing just fine. 

Curated collections of photos and videos put out into the world on my accord. 

But if I disappeared how would anyone know?

So I’m just trying to find my way back to the girl who started writing out of heartbreak.

And hopefully she finds me. 

a new beginning

a new place

a place to heal

to love

to self love

to learn

to grow

to dance

to feel free

to feel alive 

within myself

by myself

We’re like 2 strangers who decided to live together.

The weight on my shoulders feel heavier than ever. 

My legs ready to snap because I can’t hold up the weight, 

I just want to scream on the edge of a cliff

and just drift away.

I came in optimistic 

but I could feel the energy shift. 

Constantly hearing about your woes 

and I just want us to glow from within. 

Are we overthinking and not living?

Letting this addictive toxicity consume us

I see our boys and feel they are a metaphor for our situation

one asking for love and attention

the other on the fine line of being passive aggressive 

And you nitpicked at the word “ours” and that might just be the underlying problem.

Separated but no longer separate

-still separated

Was the backslap i didn’t know I needed to have

You have awakened a part of me that I thought I mourned long ago

You took me by the arms and threw me out to fend for myself

Emerging like a Phoenix from her ashes

The bodies of work come quietly knocking at my door

So faint like the wind is beating against my drum

The stale taste of words on my tongue

And I turn with a blind eye from my own cry

When my eyes are open

I see a strong beautiful brown eyed woman

with warm tones radiating like the sun

a natural being with curls

wild and free

every strand 

perfectly imperfect

with stories to tell. 

when my eyes are closed

I hide in the dark

pulling at the roots of my scalp

knees to my chest in a protective shield  

repelled by the fact I shared too much. 

But I was protecting you

And that’s when I realized i needed to protect myself

Along the way,

I have lost self assurance

not self esteem.

Questioning the things that I want

and not what I need.

What is it that I want

if it’s not needed to be heard.

The silent screams fall to deaf ears,

collected like little souvenirs.

There’s a lot of pressure when souls intertwine

Two divine beings that find each other in the midst of time

And it comes around every so often

You find yourself praying it doesn’t go rotten.

I’m not the affectionate type

And I’m not the vocal type

But only if they knew I’m the love deep type

That my world would turn upside down if these platonic relationships came to an end

Because behind this cold hard exterior

my interior is an abstract mess.

But

I’m ready to confess

that I constantly

play

and replay

calculations and

over analyzations

of our conversations in my head.

Was I

overbearing

Was I

t o o       d i s t a n t

Was I

OVER speaking

Or did I

miss the mark

Or should I

have stayed in the dark

So the questions keep repeating

Was I a good friend?

Am I a good friend?

Will I be a good friend?

I thought I longed for chaos and misery

Vulnerability that grounds me to my knees

Leaving behind black and blues to the naked eyes

Stomach pains filled with butterflies

Now I long for seduction and lust

A warm embrace

An addictive taste

Euphoria at the tip of my tongue.

I crave the heat rising between my thighs

making love until the sunrise.

i crave a partner 

not a master.

I crave passion

not coldness.

I crave a love so deep 

when the tides close in 

adrenaline rushes in.

The Disconnect.

I’ve been in a depressive state that has hindered my ability to express my feelings and thoughts in a healthy way. 

A robotic state of emotions with hints of volcanic compulsions.

I believed I was ready to reinvent 

and 

reintroduce 

myself. 

But it all was a facade of my own making to not have to accept my own creation.

I don’t recall the moment it happened 

but rather an avalanche waiting to happen

Days turned into weeks, 

weeks turned into months.

With Summer turning into Fall

My salvation became four walls of depression.

There’s an electric malfunction where my body and mind connect.

Picturesque cinematic scenes slowly being produced in my imaginative intellect.

My limbs paralyzed and sunken into my tear stained sheets. 

So I’m trying to pull myself out of this catastrophic scene.

Hoping that my mind and body can finally meet.