Racism is alive and well.
Although I’m educated in the manner and have experienced my fair share of prejudice it never really hits you until it actually hits you.
I was in good spirits yesterday. Beautiful day, productive at work, the radiance of positivity oozed off me. I was on my way to the “Jewish” bank (won’t give out the actual name but the bank is owned by Jews and the clients are majority Jews) Unfortunately, as I was researching the bank to figure out there hours of operation (which does not detail on the site! Welcome to the 21st Century) I took the initiative and went to check it out for myself.
I approach this beautiful marble building on Park Ave in Midtown. Arriving to the entrance, the hours of operation is engraved onto the door “9am-4pm” At this point it is 3:40pm. Ahhhh just made it! As I try to open the door it’s locked! Something’s up. I see one female at the teller window and the ONE private banker in her office staring at me. Finally the private banker decides to get up, unlocks the door for me, but doesn’t let me in. Instead asks me:
Her: “What is it that you need?
Me: “I need to make a deposit.”
Her: “At (insert bank name) ?”
Me: Yes. (truthfully thinking Uh Yes bitch the fuck)
Finally she lets me in. As I’m walking over to the teller, I feel the bankers eyes burning a target on my back. Was I just racially profiled?! Wait for the twist. The most absurd part of this whole thing is the Assistant Branch Manager for the bank is Asian! And yet I’m still being judged for the way I look.
Now I will not say I have not racially profiled someone as well. I believe we ALL have.
In order to make a change we have to be the change. For me that started yesterday.
This feeling going up my spine reaching my membrane.
I feel like I’m going insane.
Like everybody is staring, it just keeps happening again and again.
I’m trying to maintain it as best I can
But it seems that’s it out of my hands
I’m really just trying to understand why this is happening.
I thought everything was fine until I sat at this 9-5 desk.
Gazing into the screen its making it worse.
I’m starting to think the guy at Starbucks got me on that lean
The amount of caffeine ignited my nerves
Anxiety at a calm though…
Somebody just make my eye stop twitching!
For a while I felt like an air bubble was living inside my head.
My head was overfilled with oxygen but no thought process was able to create.
I can’t force things. I can’t control certain aspects of my life and I slowly need to come to terms with that.
Just let life be.
When I don’t, everything is more out of control then it started.